It must be acknowledged that politicians, as a species, are not only distrusted, but heartily disliked. People express their dislike in all kinds of ways, especially on social media. They use a politician’s ideology as a pejorative term, doubt his or her parentage, accuse them of lying/being greedy/corrupt/self-serving/out of touch simply because they are a politician, or call them “evil” if their point of view is different. There are regular, and inexcusable, threats of rape, child abduction, and death. Tragically, there have been actual killings – two duly elected members of Parliament, Labour’s Jo Cox and the Conservatives’ Sir David Amess, during the past six years.

So, as it is the festive season, I shall, in a typically back-handed way, offer a little love to the political classes. I shall reveal to you, dear reader, the winner of the Buffoon Of The Year award. This is, of course, an entirely notional award. The winner only gets the kudos of being laughed at by me, which, now I think about it, probably isn’t worth having. Ah well. Never mind. But before I tell you who has hypothetically won this equally hypothetical trophy, there are several other politicians who deserve a right honourable mention.

Akwasi Addo Alfred (Kwasi) Kwarteng

You may remember him. He was the third of the four chancellors of the Exchequer inflicted on the UK this year. His piece of idiocy was to undo, in twenty-five minutes, twenty-five years’ worth of economic consensus, causing panic in the stock market, and the Pound to plummet to its lowest recorded level against the US Dollar. This he did with considerable aplomb. However, I do have a little sympathy for Mr Kwarteng, as he was dismissed from his post by the very Prime Minister whose instructions he was obeying to the letter. But you will be glad to know that my sympathy is tinged with a lot of schadenfreude. Sadly, the modicum of sympathy means no award.

Mary Elizabeth (Liz) Truss

To quote the King, “dear, oh dear”. Never can a prime minister have failed so spectacularly due to their own ineptitude. Hers was the shortest official premiership, during which she managed to both hire and fire the aforementioned Kwasi Kwarteng. It only lasted a derisory fifty days, sixty-nine fewer days than the previous record-holder, George Canning, who was PM from April to August 1827. Although in Canning’s case, it was death (his own), rather than pathological incompetence, which caused him to leave office. Actually, the shortest serving PM was Lord Bath, appointed by George II on 10th February 1746. However, the noble Lord could only find one person willing to serve under him, so resigned two days later. At least Ms Truss was able to form a cabinet, even if it did resemble one of those hopeless MFI creations with half of the screws missing. Sadly, her stupidity has proved to be too consequential to merit a Buffoon of the Year award.

Angela Rayner

Hmm. I hope, dear reader, that you haven’t just eaten. This isn’t pleasant. Or perhaps, I’m just revealing one of my prejudices?

In April, The Mail on Sunday, a journal not known for incisive reasoning or nuanced debate, published an allegation that Mrs Rayner had been provocatively crossing and uncrossing her legs after the manner of Sharon Stone in the film Basic Instinct. This was supposed to be an overt display of sexuality designed to distract the then Prime Minister, the priapic Boris Johnson. The article was condemned by politicians from all sides. However, a further article was published in The Spectator, by someone claiming to have over heard Mrs Rayner suggesting, while drinking with colleagues on the terrace of the House of Commons, that she should “distract Boris” by flashing her “ginger growler” – her words apparently – at him. Oops. Awkward, isn’t it? Especially as no attempt was made to refute the Spectator article. However, she doesn’t get the award because, quite frankly, the Rayner “growler”, whether it’s ginger, or some other colour, really isn’t an appealing thought.

And so, dear reader, as you have been very patient, I shall now reveal to you, the winner of the 2022 Buffoon of the Year award.

Dominic Rennie Raab

Had this hypothetical award been hypothesised last year, it would also have gone to Mr Raab, owing to his bizarre assertion that he couldn’t return from his Holiday because “the sea was closed”. Had that been the case, he would have successfully defended his title. However, as it is a brand new hypothetical trophy – I should explain that I’m far too tight with my money to have bought a real one – Raab is the inaugural hypothetical winner.

In order to show what a caring, sharing, and all-round good chap he is, Mr Raab circulates a newsletter to his constituents. This is to highlight what he has done for them, and what he intends to do for them. Not a bad idea, you might think. And I wouldn’t disagree with you if you did.

Recently, it has come to Mr Raab’s notice – and do remember, dear reader, that he is His Britannic Majesty’s Deputy Prime Minister – that train services are not very good at the moment. On the ball, isn’t he? Well, actually, no. Let me explain.

In his latest newsletter, Mr Raab informs his readers that he intends to discuss the paucity of local train services with South Eastern Railway in the new year. A fine idea in principle, but, alas, not in reality. The flaw in his plan is that his constituency, Esher & Walton, which he has represented since 2010, is served by South Western Railway. One would have thought that, after twelve years of representing the area, he would know who the local train operator is, even if, these days, he is chauffeured around everywhere. Thus he is my Buffoon of the Year.

Congratulations to Mr Raab, commiserations to Mrs Rayner, Ms Truss and Mr Kwarteng, and a happy New Year to you, dear reader. And let us hope for some further glorious examples of political buffoonery during the ensuing twelve months.